Grief

We all seek relief from pain, whether the pain is physical or emotional.  The pain that comes from losing a loved one is especially difficult and lasting. It tends to come in waves of intense feelings, such as sadness, anger, and even confusion. Sometimes the most intense feeling is numbness; quite often it's anxiety.  

It can also be very physical.  Many people who are grieving experience physical pain and get sick more often than they had before.  

All of this is natural.

What many people need at first is a safe place to talk.  Friends, family and co-workers may not feel equipped to listen in a way that is helpful, especially as stories are told again and again.

Some kinds of grief are not well-supported or understood by society. This includes pet loss, which can be devastating to those who experienced a strong bond to their animals. People may be sympathetic and also be quick with advice such as “Have you thought of getting another pet?” 

For someone grieving the death of a beloved animal, this response can create a sense of feeling misunderstood or judged for the attachment they had with their pet. That can lead to isolation and prolonged suffering.

Grief caused by traumatic loss – such as death due to suicide or overdose – tends to create enormous sympathy among neighbors and friends but this compassion may appear to be short-lived.  This is not because people stop caring but because they often don’t know what to say or do to offer comfort, especially over the long haul. 

This can lead to an avoidance of the entire subject and those grieving may feel that their loved one has been forgotten or that they themselves are being judged in some way for the death.

Sometimes traumatic loss can trigger intense experiences that make daily life extremely challenging. This can include frequent nightmares, poor sleep, and flashbacks. Flashbacks are intense, vivid recollections that seem quite real in the moment; they can come on suddenly and be immobilizing. 

In psychotherapy, we can determine if these experiences point to post-traumatic stress issues and offer treatment that may greatly reduce  even the most difficult symptoms.

A note about the image: This bowl embraces the spirit of Kintsugi, a Japanese art in which broken pottery is mended by filling the space between the pieces.  The item becomes a  new object of beauty while still honoring its past.  For many people, Kintsugi is a fitting metaphor for healing. 

We grieve for many kinds of losses that do not involve death. We can also struggle acutely when we anticipate a loss.

Some examples include an actual or expected:

- job loss or demotion,

- relationship breakup,

- incarceration or arrest,

- decline in health,

- loss in ability to drive,

- overdose that is survived, and

- change in cognitive abilities

Anyone would find these circumstances very difficult. Sometimes the emotions connected to loss are magnified by shame. 

Shame is an intensely painful sense of losing the respect of others due to one’s actions. Shame often comes from imagining what others think and then becoming increasingly certain that these thoughts are true. 

Anticipated shame can feel just as intense. For instance, someone who fears losing their job might imagine not only the financial consequences but what they imagine others might think about them as a result. 

The combination of loss and feelings of shame can cause people to avoid social contact, detach from previously enjoyed activities, and feel unable to take control of what is actually in their power to change.

In psychotherapy, we may consider such questions as:

- If the loss hasn’t happened but is expected, how likely is it to take place? Could an anxiety issue or form of depression be contributing to your sense of impending loss?

- Are you feeling any shame attached to the loss? 

- Are any prior losses contributing to your experience of this loss?

- What might you have control of right now?

- How can we bulk up your supports and strengths to take healthy steps that are within your power?